Facing My Biggest Fear
Two weeks after my dad's funeral, I took his camera to Back Bay Wildlife Refuge, where I go when I really need to get away from everyone & everything. It's basically a sandbar in between the Atlantic Ocean and a bay, a freshwater ecosystem and a saltwater ecosystem about a football field away from each other. On a high surf day, the roar of the ocean competes with the roar of the jets from the local navy base and that’s all you can hear. It also happens to be one of my dad's favorite places.
It was a slightly chilly, overcast, windy day. Back Bay is a known haven for Cottonmouth snakes, a pit viper, also known as water moccasins. I was walking down the trail wondering if it was too cool for snakes to be out, when I saw one cross the trail in front of me. Later, I'm wondering about the Monarchs & where they are in their yearly migration, then I saw one of those too.
I see great blue herons almost every time I'm there. On this day, one let me get very close to watch him. I'm always hoping to get a shot of one catching a big fish. That day I did. I stood on the dock thinking of the story my mom loves to tell of the day my dad saw otters there for the first time. She was pretty surprised to see him talking to someone on the dock. My dad was even more of an introvert than me. He doesn’t often start conversations with strangers. He was showing the woman the otters he saw swimming around the dock. I remember him telling me about it with the big eyes of a child. "Did you know they have otters at Back Bay?" I told him I hadn't seen them, but it wouldn't surprise me if they did. Of course, standing on the dock that day with these memories swirling in my head, I saw them for the first time.
The hardest part of the process of losing my dad was sorting through everything he kept. It made me realize something profound. Something that our fractured relationship & poor emotional communication skills didn't prepare me for, he was my biggest fan. He wanted me to succeed as a photographer and believed in my ability more than I ever did. I now live with a profound sense of letting him down, never being as successful as he believed I could be. The same political divide that is now destroying this country destroyed our relationship in the last decade of this life. He became a person I didn't want to be around. Honestly, that's part of the reason why I was not expecting his death to hit me so hard. In the end, I wasn’t sure I even liked him, so I didn't expect losing him to hurt so much.
That day in Back Bay, I spent time journaling at my favorite spot, an overlook where you can see the ocean on one side & the bay on the other. I really needed to get away and express the thoughts swirling in my head. I was not prepared for the profound effect of losing a parent. I've definitely experienced loss in my life. I’ve had to start over and rebuild my life several times, in my early 20's after I dropped out of college, in my mid-30's when I got divorced and when I moved back to my hometown. Losing my dad has hit me in a way I'm still struggling to put into words. The following is what I wrote in my journal that day, edited just enough to make sense to others.
Thinking about everything he wanted to do but never did. Thinking about everything he would want me to do. Fulfill the dream he had but never accomplished. What would that look like? Travel out West, see all the National parks. He would want me to fulfill my dream of being a full-time professional photographer. I need to look at everything getting in the way of those dreams. What is standing in my way? Money & confidence- The one thing I have always lacked, belief in myself! Not something you can pick up at a store.
Nothing like death to get you thinking about life! About how you are living. Do I have what it takes to take the leap? I think about the SEALS in Training, Jumping out of helicopters - Where do they get the belief that they can do it? Maybe that should be my task. Ask others - What gives you confidence? Why do you think you can do things others are afraid of? Another idea, “Introvert Photos” photos, portraits that don’t show a face, but reveal who a person is. Meet other “Hermits” people who value their independence & privacy -solo travelers-
What about trust? How do you decide to trust those few people you allow into your life? To talk to people, I need a purpose. I am not social. I need a reason to be speaking to them, but not feel like I am taking from them, like I am giving them something back in exchange - Reach out to others - What can I offer? Company of someone who understands, doesn’t pity or judge them, understanding the need for independence & space - the need for peace - acknowledge that is it a NEED, accept that the reason may not exist or be known - no justification, just acceptance.
360 view from my favorite overlook at Back Bay National Wildlife Refuge
My dream, for as long as I can remember, has been to travel the world taking pictures. As a teen, I pictured myself having a small apartment in the city. I imagined having a cat that would know my neighbors better than me. I've allowed so much to get in the way of my dreams. There was a time when I would blame a particular person or circumstance. But now I see that the pattern of always putting someone or something else ahead of my dreams is my problem. I now see the problem, more than anything else, is my inability to truly believe in myself. It's not being willing to put everything I have into succeeding because I secretly believe I will fail.
The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced...seeing the wildlife the moment I was thinking of them, the cottonmouth, the monarch, the heron catching a fish & the otters was not coincidence. My dad was there with me that day. It was something I could see & feel. It was not something I could deny or rationalize away. He was showing me that he could and would be there with me always, looking out for me & helping as he was able. He was giving me a sign that he will be there on the days I chose to face my biggest fear...failure.
